RSV? Yeah, You Know Me.

We survived! We survived RSV. Ziggy now has this air of confidence about him. He CAN do this. We CAN do this. Shelby is alive and we did it.

The snot of last week quickly progressed into RSV by Tuesday of this week. A doctor visit, an ER visit and several sleepless nights and we made it.

Shelby is staying home from daycare for another day or two because she still has a cough and isn't back to her full eating schedule, but she's well. I owe her wellness to several things.

First, I cannot sing enough accolades to Graco for inventing the battery operated nasal aspirator. Oh. My. God. GET ONE! GO! NOW! GET ONE! You need this thing. You can't live without it. We spent frustrated hours hurting Shelby with bulb nose aspirators getting nowhere fast. The Graco battery operated one is a godsend. Every baby shower that I go to from now until I die, the woman WILL get one of these from me.

Second, I have to applaud Ziggy. His meticulous OCD nature really helped get me through this. He gave our daughter exceptional care and not once skipped a dose of meds or a nose suck or an attempt at feeding. He took night shifts equally with me as he saw me quickly decline into a state of madness from sleep deprivation and worry. He. Was. Awesome. I'm so proud of him. And he's earned his "badge" now for surviving his first infant illness and you can almost see that he is more confident now with her.

Third, I have to applaud Luke. He stepped up BIG TIME. He emptied dryers. Folded towels. Went without attention. He held my hand while I had a mini nervous breakdown on Wednesday night when we couldn't get her fever down and couldn't get her to stop screaming. He slept through screaming and nervous parents pacing past his door. He ate pizza rolls and Cane's for a week since there was no time to cook. He endured the scent of Lysol for days as his paranoid mother sprayed every inch of the house daily. He was such a trooper.

Lastly, and I can't believe I'm doing this, but I have to applaud my MIL who stepped in and provided us with hours and hours of help so that we could work or get away for a bit to run errands. My mother also stepped in and helped hugely, but that's a given...she always does that.

So, she isn't 100%, but she's close. The light at the end of the RSV tunnel is in sight.

Please Say It'snot Snot!

Baby girl is sounding more and more congested and I'm beginning to worry that my healthy baby luck is running out with this insane weather and dirty people always touching all over her. She's been in day care for 6 weeks and other than the thrush, we've lucked out...I fear my luck is running out. I hear that slight congestion building and worsening and I'm envisioning green snot having to be sucked out, wailing, no sleep, ER running, antibiotic giving HELL.

And it's moments like those where I think, WHAT THE FUCK HAVE I DONE!?!?! I made it through all this crap with Luke already. Who in their right mind would CHOOSE to do this again? Luke is at an age where you throw Triaminic down his throat and send him off to school with a pack of Kleenex. I did this already. Am I on crack rock for willingly choosing to do it again?

And then it all hits me in waves again. The regret. Yes, friends. Regret. And then after the regret is the guilt, the soul bashing heart wrenching guilt over even thinking about the regret. But that's the truth and it is what it is. I've upped my anti depressant Rx and it still is what it is, so I am guessing that these feelings I'm having could possibly be normal and something that I just need to endure and sort through and deal with.

Being the baby of the family, it makes me wonder...did my mom go through this regret over me? Then the guilt? Then the regret? Then the guilt? Maybe I should ask her. Although with her level of perfection, I seriously doubt she ever felt/thought such things.

When baby girl is on the floor giggling and kicking and cooing and when we're snuggling and she falls asleep on my chest, there is NO regret. None. I did this on purpose and I love it. But no matter how incredibly those moments are, the regret still manages to rear it's ugly head.

Especially for Lan, to Entertain Her in Her Recovery

Perhaps my New Year's Resolution should be to blog more often? God knows I've been horrible at it. I see these women who manage to keep up with their blogs daily, have children, husbands and jobs and I wonder HOW? What do they sacrifice in order to be able to keep up? Sleep? Sex? Food?

I haven't figured it out, but I vow to try.

So much has happened. There are so many blogs that I've written in my head. There was the "Why does Aunt Martha seem to have a giant cold sore EVERY Christmas" blog in which I regaled you with tales of family and in laws that would make your own families seem more normal for you as my Christmas gift to you.

There was the "Did you just set a flare off in my backyard and goose me?" blog in which I spoke of the drunk/fighting couple that we invited to our house for New Years who made my own marriage and my bipolar husband seem like an episode of Leave it to Beaver...and who also allowed me to view jealousy in my very un-jealous type husband for the first time, which was kind of cool to be honest.

And who can forget the "Mom, what is an orgasm?" blog where I wrung my hands with worry over my son's recent growth spurt of sexual questioning.

Ah yes, you've missed so much. From Thanksgiving through New Years, there has been one recurring theme to all of my family gatherings and it is this: There are two certifiably nuts men in my life. Both my father and my husband are bipolar; bipolar enough to be able to legally claim it as a disability and yet, those two men are the most sane people in my family. It's them that I go to in order to discuss all of the nuts and wackos.

So you've missed a lot and yet, it's much of the same. I love my son, my daughter and my husband. The majority of the rest of my family, including the in laws can suck me. My job pays the bills and thank gawd for it, but I wish the building would go up in flames. My friends are gems and here we are, pretty much right where we started except that now there is a little pink ball of fluff to share the joy with.

Last year at midnight on 1/1/09, I kissed my husband and desperately wished for a baby. This year at midnight on 1/1/10, I kissed my son and thanked God that we made it through 09 and just desperately wished to make it through the next year. (Side note: I didn't kiss the husband at midnight, because he was busy trying to keep flare guy from setting our house on fire.)

My resolutions are many this year. Whereas last year ALL I resolved to do was get knocked up, this year is tremendously different. I've resolved to be more selfish (which if you know me, is actually going to be unusually hard). I've resolved to be kinder to myself. I've resolved to have more sex with the husband (it's free and it's fun and it brings us closer together, so we should do it more, right?) And I've resolved to spend less money and get a grip on some debt.

So that's that. Sorry I've been away so long. I probably have zero readers left. Oh well, a new year, new topics, new friends to be found.

Happy New Year to you!